• When Your Adult Child is Trans

    Last year, two of my cis-hetero friends told me that their college-age child recently came out trans. I immediately shifted into protective Oggy Ruth* mode and wanted to protect all of them and make sure they had the resources they might need.  

    Photo by Ted Eytan (Creative Commons)

    Free Mom Hugs

    Free Mom Hugs was started by Sara Cunningham who is the mom of a gay son. Her advocacy started by offering to stand in as anyone mom if their biological mother refused to come to their child’s same-sex wedding.

    Now there are Free Mom Hugs chapters throughout the U.S. Their members often attend pride events wearing “Free Mom Hugs” and “Free Dad Hugs” t-shirts, giving hugs to whoever wants them. It appears to be a great organization for parents who want to be involved and show support for the LGBTQ community.

    Photo by Hayley Tschetter (Creative Commons)

    Trans Education from Jammidodger

    Jamie Raines is a bisexual trans man in the UK. He also has a Ph.D. in psychology and dissertation on something related to transgender people.

    Jamie has a YouTube channel, Jammidodger, where he talks about and responds to a wide range of topics related to LGBTQ issues. He’s also been quite open his experiences taking testosterone as well as having top and bottom surgeries. Jamie also does videos where he responds to transphobic statements made by well-known people.

    One thing I appreciate about his channel is when he responds to transphobic statements, he cites studies that support what he’s saying, so he’s not just telling his opinion, but providing evidence.

    Where to Buy Clothes

    One issue I had to deal with when embracing my non-binary gender is figuring out what size I wear in men’s clothing. I also wanted to try different looks, and I didn’t want to buy a bunch of stuff online, knowing I’d have to send most of it back because most menswear doesn’t fit an estrogen-generated body.

    The place I first felt welcome to try on whatever I wanted was Buffalo Exchange. The staff is open to all types of people, and they don’t care what you want to try on. The only downside of Buffalo Exchange is they have dressing rooms labeled for men and women. I’ve also had good experiences trying on men’s pants at Lululemon and Eddie Bauer.

    If you’re lucky, you live in or near a city that has a clothing store that specifically caters to trans people, like Margie’s Closet in Cleveland, Ohio. 

    Where to Get a Haircut

    Not everyone feels comfortable getting their hair cut if they want a style that doesn’t conform to the gender they were assigned at birth. Thankfully, there’s the website Strands for Trans. It helps people find trans-friendly salons and barber shops.

    Photo by Ted Eytan (Creative Commons)

    How to Legally Change Your Name and Gender

    I’ve worked with several parents who needed guidance while helping their adult trans child legally change their name and gender. The process is not rocket science, but it can seem overwhelming at times with the various forms. It’s also easy to get confused about the order in which you have to update everything.

    Legally changing your name requires a court hearing. Check the county court where the child lives for information and the forms needed to change their name.

    Thankfully it’s much easier to change your gender on your passport. It’s just a matter of applying for a new passport and select their correct gender – no additional proof needed. If they’re a trans man or trans woman, they can just as easily update their social security record.

    Once they have their new passport, they can likely get their corrected driver’s license. If they want to correct their birth certificate too, contact the Office of Vital Records where they were born and them what documents they’ll need.

    Where to Ask for Help

    While there are plenty of resources for trans people and their families, they can also look to Reddit for help from strangers on the internet. There are subreddits for trans people, trans men, trans women, nonbinary people, and LGBTQ people. There’s even a subreddit to ask transgender people questions.

    If your trans kiddo has a question about sex or relationships, they may want to check out advice columnist Dan Savage and the Savage Love podcast. If he hasn’t addressed your kid’s concern to date, they can call or email him with their question.

    Dan and his partner also started the It Gets Better Project, which is an incredible place where LGBTQ people share their stories and messages of hope. Speaking of it gets better, if your kid is ever having a “baby trans” moment where they feel small, scared, or discriminated against, here’s a song that might help: It Gets Better by Rebecca Drysdale.

    How to Protect Yourself

    I would be doing a disservice if I didn’t mention this, and I’m really sorry this is how it currently is in the U.S., but violence against trans people is disturbingly high, especially trans women of color. There have also been mass shootings at gay night clubs, including at Pulse in Orlando in 2016 and Club Q in Colorado Springs in 2022.

    Your kid may want to take some preventative measures like taking a self-defense class or carrying something for self-defense like pepper spray or the Go Guarded ring. I own the Go Guarded ring, and I’ve considered getting a bulletproof undershirt, but that thing costs hundreds of dollars.

    Photo by Quinn Dombrowski (Creative Commons)

    * There is no gender-neutral term for aunt/uncle, so I created my own title: oggy. It rhymes with “doggy” and “foggy.”

  • Non-Binary Americans Can’t Get Health Insurance

    Did you know that there are no health insurance options for non-binary people in the U.S.? Whenever you apply for health insurance, the application asks for your gender/sex, and every application only has male/female options.

    When I corrected my birth certificate to state that I’m “non-binary,” I called my health insurance provider to update my account. They said they could not do the update because their insurance plans are specifically and only for males and females.

    Photo by Ivan Radic (Creative Commons)

    Health Insurance Broker Claims They Could Help

    In the summer of 2022, I received an email from the State Bar of Arizona with information about its health insurance exchange. I snarkily responded that I cannot get health insurance because I’m non-binary. The rep for the program sent me a response that said they were “confident” that they could find me a health insurance plan because federal law prohibits discrimination based on gender.

    My thoughts were dripping with sarcasm. I thought they were coming from a good place, but I didn’t think they knew what they were talking about.

    Wait – The Rep Found Me Non-binary Health Insurance?

    A few months later, when open enrollment started, the rep from the health insurance exchange sent me an email saying they’d found me some options for health insurance.

    Really?! I figured, if they even bothered writing me back, that they would saying they couldn’t find any options for non-binary people.

    Intrigued, I clicked on the link to the options they found. My curiosity quickly shifted to anger when I saw that the rep classified me as “female.”

    What the fuck, dude! (I thought it. I didn’t say it.)

    I sent them an annoyed, but respectful, response that I explicitly told them months ago that I’m non-binary, not female. (This is the issue I’ve been dealing with for years.)

    The rep responded that every health insurance option requires the applicant to declare themselves as “male” or “female.” I messaged them back with something like, “Welcome to my non-binary life.” I refuse to declare a gender that’s a lie.

    Photo by Thomas Backa (Creative Commons)

    Obnoxious Emails from HealthCare.gov

    Open enrollment also meant the beginning of a slew of emails from HealthCare.gov about researching and applying for health insurance under the Affordable Care Act. Every time one of these messages arrived, I became more and more prickly.

    I finally replied to one of these emails with “I can’t get health insurance because I’m non-binary.” Less than a minute later, a response arrived:

    “The email is not monitored.”

    Damn it!  

    Photo by Timo Kohlenberg (Creative Commons)

    I Called the Government

    When HealthCare.gov did not provide an option to email the government for help, I picked up the phone and called them. I clicked through their menu of options to get to a human, a polite man with a southern accent.

    I explained to him that I’m non-binary and there are no health insurance options for people like me on their site. His response: “Let me put you on hold and ask my manager.”

    When he came back on the line, the rep said a trans person can claim their new gender, male or female, when applying for health insurance. I told him again that I’m non-binary, not male or female, and that’s what’s on my birth certificate, driver’s license, and passport.

    “Birth certificate?”

    “Correct.”

    “Let me put you on hold and ask my manager again.”

    When he got back on the line, he was apologetic, but said that every health insurance plan requires you to state that you’re male or female.

    I knew this would be the answer. The point of making the call was to spread awareness about this issue, and I was curious to see how long it would take them to realize that non-binary people can’t get health insurance without lying about who they are. Before hanging up, I asked the rep to please let his manager know that this is a problem impacting all non-binary Americans.

    I also set my email up to automatically send all future emails from HealthCare.gov to spam.

    Why I Keep My Current Health Insurance

    I need health insurance to cover my medications and to be there if something catastrophic happens. If I didn’t, I’d approach an organization like Lambda Legal or the ACLU about teaming up, giving up my incorrect health insurance plan, paying the penalty on my federal taxes, and suing the government and/or health insurance providers for gender discrimination for not providing a health insurance option for non-binary people.

    Photo by Joe Abbruscato

    Hope on the Horizon

    The Social Security Administration is expected to add the X gender option sometime in 2023. Hopefully, this is the last year we have to identify as something we’re not in order to get health insurance. (Trans men and women were recently given the ability to update their social security records without needing a doctor’s letter.)

    I think social security is the last piece of the puzzle. Once someone has “non-binary” on every document across the board, I don’t think health insurance providers can get away with not having non-binary health insurance options or an option that doesn’t require the applicant to disclose their gender.

    Perhaps a non-gendered option will have a questionnaire that will ask about what body parts we have as well as what types of medical treatment or procedures we’ve had to date.  That seems fair and reasonable to design coverage based on your current health care needs. If you don’t have a prostate, you don’t need coverage that includes prostate cancer. Likewise, if you can’t get pregnant, you don’t need coverage for prenatal care or delivery.

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  • Undeniable Recap of 2022

    2022 was a crazy busy year for me. The best moments were the ones I got to share with people I love. Here are some of the highlights:

    I’m an Ironman!

    I will never forget how it felt to run across that black and red carpet and raise my arms as I crossed the finish line while Mike Reilly said, “You are an Ironman!”

    The first 7 months of 2022 were centered around training for Ironman on top of training throughout 2020 and 2021 when my race was cancelled due to COVID. It was a bit surreal to see this dream come to fruition, well until I felt the pain throughout my body.

    In just over 15 hours, I swam 2.4 miles, biked 112 miles, and ran 26.2 miles. Even though I was in top shape for my race, it hurt to do anything once I finished that race.

    I regularly reflect fondly on my Ironman experience. My race day bracelet is still on my wrist, and I’m planning to get my M-dot tattoo in the spring of 2023.

    Crossing the finish line at Ironman Lake Placid: 15:21:42

    Volunteering at Aimee’s Farm Animal Sanctuary

    Starting over a year ago, I spend at least one morning each week volunteering at Aimee’s Farm Animal Sanctuary. For those few hours, I’m nobody’s lawyer. I just get to be a person, and that’s more than enough.

    I love being part of the Farm Family – comprised of its humans and its animals. It’s so sweet when the animals trot up to us for pets, and it’s rewarding to help give them a loving home. And I love working with my fellow volunteers.

    Periodically, I get to invite a friend to volunteer for a day, especially when they seem to need a break from reality, and let them experience the joy that comes with working in this healing place.

    Kissed by Zobe the zebu cow – she is soft as velvet!

    Connecting with Friends at CMWorld

    Content Marketing World (CMWorld) is the best conference I’ve ever attended, and since I’ve been attending and speaking at it since 2015, I’ve become part of the CMWorld family. One of my happy memories from this event says, “Hanging out w/ CMW friends, feeling like I belong.”

    I’m sure I was always seen and loved by my CMWorld family, but I think this year, I didn’t feel that insecurity that usually makes me feel like I don’t measure up to my peers.

    I also let myself have more fun this year. I went on the 6am Running Club runs, accepted dinner invites, and of course, had Boy Band day with JK where we both rocked our orange pants. I was so sleepy silly by the end of the conference, I had to send myself to bed because I was starting to sound drunk even though I was stone cold sober.

    Going to CMWorld also inspired me to get back into writing again – no expectation, just write and see what I’m compelled to create.

    CMWorld Speakers Party!
    Orange Pants!

    Rebranding to Geek Law Firm

    Throughout most of 2022, and I’ll be finishing in 2023, I’m doing a massive rebrand. I rebranded Carter Law Firm to Geek Law Firm, got a new site for The Undeniable Ruth, and I have one more site that’s still being built. This rebrand was something I’d contemplated for a while, and it feels good to get back into writing and with sites that better fit with who I am right now.

    Hat Tip to Dina Miller at Mood for creating my new logo!

    Loving Life with Lucy Jane

    Lucy Jane and I are each other’s emotional support animal. I would not be surprised if I have an Emotional Support Human t-shirt by the end of 2023.

    Lucy Jane is such a sweetheart, giving loves to all her hooman and dog friends. I bring her breakfast and bed each morning, and then she snuggles next to me under the covers as I read my book and drink my coffee. When I get home from a workout, she licks the salt from my sweat off my face and shoulders.

    I took Lucy to the Content Economy Expo (CEX), and the staff made her a special name badge. Networking is super easy with a basset at my feet – all the dog lovers come to me!

    See more of Lucy Jane every Friday on my Instagram.

    Lessons Learned (or Re-learned)

    Do not stand at your desk for 90 minutes when you can’t remember the last time you raised your sit-stand desk.

    My short-term memory sucks.

    Lucy prefers 1:1 puppy playdates over going to the dog park.

    The term “kid gloves” refers to baby goats, not young people.

    Shave your arms before working at the farm, otherwise your stubble will be Velcro for dust.

    The pharmacist at Target will not let you administer a flu shot to yourself.

    When someone enters a religious order, part of the vow of poverty includes signing a legal document where they give up ownership to any intellectual property they might create.

    Even with Trazodone, Lucy is still vocal and wiggly when getting her nails trimmed.

    Don’t walk into a muddy pen at the farm in flip flops.

    Fun day – we assembled my friends’ 12-foot skeleton named Cal Sium.

    Firsts in 2022

    Scanned a QR code

    Baked a yeasted bread from scratch

    Took Lucy to a dog park

    Mounted by a zebu cow

    Struck from a pink-letter arbitration

    Purchased an autograph at Phoenix Fan Fusion

    Bought the photos from a race – IM Lake Placid

    Bitten by a pig

    Volunteered at an Ironman event (70.3 and 140.6)

    Walked 3 dogs at one time

    Got COVID (hopefully the only time I’ll get it)

    Completed the non-binary trifecta – birth certificate, driver’s license, and passport!

    Needle in a Haystack Moment – Meeting a friend of a friend at IMAZ

    Celebrity Sightings

    Dan Pink

    Kate Mulgrew

    Hasan Minhaj

    I was so giddy when Aunt Kate smiled at me.
    Love this guy!

    In Memoriam

    Humans: Gilbert Gottfried, Slique Callahan, Mike Poulton, Nichelle Nichols, Cy Rovie, Olivia Newton-John, Gray Ray, Edgar Marcoux, Louise Fletcher, Angela Lansbury, David Mario, Gordon Stedman, Robbie Coltrane, Isaiah Shepard, Jeannette Black, Leslie Jordan, everyone who died in the 647+ mass shootings in the U.S. in 2022

    Critter Friends: Norman Takaha, Althea Takaha, Chaquita Takaha, Miley Pflughaupt, Sophie Neighbor, Ivy Takaha, Fabio Takaha, Minnie Sellers, Christopher Takaha

    Matching Hooman and Hound Hoodies!