The

Undeniable

Ruth

®

…and the Ruth shall set you free!

  • Christmas Part 1: Patrick’s Concert

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    Ruth Carter

    I had so much fun being in Rev. Patrick’s Christmas Concert at the Community Church of Hope last week. At the end of the show, I got one of the best compliments I’ve ever received in my singing career: “You looked so happy up there.”

    Even though I don’t really celebrate Christmas, I love Christmas music. I can listen to it all year. The only person who loves it more than me is Patrick. When he asked me to be in his concert, I immediately said, “I’m in!”

    Then I asked, “What am I singing?”

    I’m a classically trained soprano so I figured he might want a classic Christmas ballad. He asked me to sing “Night Before Christmas” but then he also said he wanted me to sing “Welcome Christmas” from The Grinch and a new song – “Santa’s Solar Sleigh.”

    Only Patrick can get away with asking me to sing such a ridiculous song. I practiced it so much I couldn’t walk my dog without running lyrics in my head.

    Then Patrick said he wanted me to be dressed as Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch for the first half. I responded with “Do I get a petticoat with that?”

    Singing in Patrick’s Concert 2016

    Yes. Yes I did – a pink one.
    (For the second half, I got to be a human and wear a simple sapphire blue velvet shift.)

    The concert was so much fun. Unlike other shows I’ve done for Patrick, he had the vocalists on the stage the whole time. His piano was at center stage and the other vocalist, Joey, and I were off to the side on stools. I felt like we were the two old guys from The Muppets (without the jokes, just the occasional sideways glance at each other). When we weren’t singing, we had the best view in the house. From my vantage point, I could see Patrick’s eyes over his music, his foot on the pedal, and I could see inside the piano which is basically a reflection of his fingers. I was mesmerized when George played Ave Maria on his violin – his fingers and bow weaving a tapestry of sound. And it was all Christmas music so I knew every word, every note. I did everything but mouth the words – it was a fully body experience.

    And then there was the sing-along. Patrick never rehearses this part with us in advance. They’re songs we all know so he plays and we sing with audience. I threw in the harmony whenever I felt like it. After the concert, a friend said even when everyone was singing, she could hear my voice over the crowd. (I’m not sure she knew that Joey and my microphones were on for the sing-along.)

    I had as much fun experiencing others performing as I did singing in this show, and I can’t help but sway when I’m wearing a fluffy petticoat. I’m glad Patrick’s already put me on notice that he wants me in next year’s show.

    My other favorite holiday tradition – Christmas Part 2: Phoestivus!

  • Baby It’s Cold Out-WTF?!

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    Ruth Carter

    I love Christmas music. I’m that person who will listen to Christmas music in July just because I like it. Who says it has to be the holiday season to enjoy holiday music?

    Lately, it seems like every time I turn on the all-Christmas radio station, they’re playing “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Musically speaking, this is a beautiful duet – I love the back-and-forth and the layering of the voices. But have you actually listened to the lyrics? They exemplify what’s wrong with how boys and girls are socialized – he refuses to accept when she rebuffs his advances and she’s worried about being slut shamed by her family and community. Here’s what goes through my head every time I hear it.
    (M = male; F = female; B = both; my thoughts in italics)

    Winter Wonderland by Kristina_Servant from Flickr (Creative Commons License)
    Winter Wonderland by Kristina_Servant from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    (F) I really can’t stay
    (M) Baby it’s cold outside
    (F) I’ve got to go away
    (M) Baby it’s cold outside
    Dude, she said she was leaving.
    (F) This evening has been
    (M) Been hoping that you’d drop in
    (F) So very nice
    (M) I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice
    Hey! Don’t touch her without consent!

    (F) My mother will start to worry
    (M) Beautiful, what’s your hurry?
    (F) Father will be pacing the floor
    (M) Listen to the fireplace roar
    (F) So really I’d better scurry
    Bah! Be bold woman!
    (M) Beautiful, please don’t hurry
    (F) Maybe just a half a drink more
    Arg! Don’t do that!
    (M) Put some records on while I pour
    You’re a manipulative jerk.

    (F) The neighbors might think
    Who gives a f*ck what they think?
    (M) Baby, it’s bad out there
    And why are you calling her “Baby?”
    That’s so belittling the way you use it. She has a name, you know.
    (F) Say, what’s in this drink?
    Did you give her roofies or something?
    (M) No cabs to be had out there
    Get an Uber.
    (F) I wish I knew how
    (M) Your eyes are like starlight now
    (F) To break this spell
    (M) I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell
    Ugh you’re so creepy.

    Christmas Ornament by Tobyotter from Flickr (Creative Commons License)
    Christmas Ornament by Tobyotter from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    (F) I ought to say no, no, no
    Say it or don’t. It’s ok to enjoy intimacy.
    (M) Mind if I move in closer?
    Thanks for asking…finally.
    (F) At least I’m gonna say that I tried
    Where’s your integrity? Say what you mean, mean what you say.
    (M) What’s the sense in hurting my pride?
    Screw his feelings if he doesn’t respect you boundaries.
    (F) I really can’t stay
    Then leave!
    (M) Baby don’t hold out
    Eww!
    (B) Ah, but it’s cold outside

    (F) I’ve got to get home
    Walk out the door!
    (M) Oh, baby, you’ll freeze out there
    (F) Say, lend me your coat
    (M) It’s up to your knees out there
    (F) You’ve really been grand
    No he hasn’t! He’s being a dick!
    (M) Thrill when you touch my hand
    (F) Why don’t you see
    (M) How can you do this thing to me?
    It’s not all about you!

    (F) There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
    Who cares?
    (M) Think of my lifelong sorrow
    Really? Since when do your feelings trump hers?
    (F) At least there will be plenty implied
    (M) If you caught pneumonia and died
    And died – Really??
    (F) I really can’t stay
    Seriously – You. Door. Go!
    (M) Get over that hold out
    Ew ew eww! Lady – run away from this guy!
    (B) Ah, but it’s cold outside
    (B) Oh, baby, it’s cold outside
    (B) Oh, baby, it’s cold outside

    Whenever I hear this song, I think of a lesson from security expert Gavin de Becker: A person who doesn’t hear “no” is trying to control you. Perhaps it was sweet song when it was written, reflective of the times, but I still think it’s an indication of a misogynistic culture.

    I want to re-write this conversation in a way that works. I can see it going one of two ways:

    (F) I should get going.
    (M) What’s your hurry, Baby?
    (F) I’m tired. I want to go home.
    (M) It’s so cold out there.
    (F) Of course it is. It’s December. I’ll be fine.
    (M) One more drink . . .
    (F) No. Quit being a jerk. I’m leaving.

    (F) I should get going.
    (M) I had fun tonight. You’re welcome to stay.
    (F) Thank you. I’d like that. Let me text my family so they’ll know not to expect me until tomorrow.

  • Am I Non-Binary?

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    Ruth Carter

    Earlier this year, a court in Oregon let a person legally change their gender to “non-binary.” It’s fantastic that the law acknowledges that there’s more to gender than merely male or female.

    europa rainbow by ** RCB ** from Flickr (Creative Commons License)
    europa rainbow by ** RCB ** from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    As I thought about this ruling, I began to reflect on my upbringing. When I was growing up, children were classified as a “boy” or a “girl” based on their genitalia. By the time I was in preschool, I understood that boys and girls were told to use different bathrooms, play with different toys, and wear different clothes. As I got older, I learned that some people are homosexual and bisexual. I also learned that some people are transgender, meaning that they were born in the wrong body, and probably wanted a sex change; and some people are intersex, meaning they have both male and female genitalia. In all these situations, gender was represented as a binary characteristic.

    I wondered, if I grew up in a culture that acknowledged gender as a spectrum, would I self-identify as non-binary. I’ve never fit in with the “girly girls” in school, and I didn’t want to be like them. In fact, I got in trouble when I was nine because I refused to talk to most of the girls in my class because I thought they were annoying. I find it delightfully ironic that I was a gymnast – a sport that is so inherently feminine and has drastic differences in men’s and women’s events. It’s also fierce as hell which is why I love it so much. I asked my teammates, who I spent years with, seeing each other at our best and our worst during our tween and teen years, to describe me. Some of their descriptors were “strong,” “powerful,” “determined,” “focused,” and “true to yourself.” I definitely wasn’t one of the balletic athletes in the gym.

    Learning about this ruling made me the question my gender identity. I have no issues with being biologically female except that I think tits are overrated, and I would have an ablation in a heartbeat if it came with a guarantee. I have no desire to have a penis. If pushed to declare which pronouns I want, I can see myself choosing he/her – don’t ask me why, and, to be honest, I really don’t care what pronouns you use for me as long as you use them respectfully. As a model, I prefer poses and looks that are somewhat androgynous and portray me as strong – or at least possessing an inner strength.

    I shared some of my thoughts about questioning my gender with my friends, and it was comforting to hear that I’m not the only one who doesn’t fit in a stereotypical box. Some are agender. Some have biologically male parts, no desire to change that, but feel they are more feminine in terms of their personality. The best response I got was from a friend who says she doesn’t identify as a “lady” or a “man,” but rather an engineer, an inventor, a housewife, an athlete, a seamstress, and a parent. I think she’s right in that what we do is more important than which bathroom we use or which gender box we check.

    If you’re questioning your gender identity and/or gender expression, you’re not alone. We may not talk about it much, but a lot of us don’t feel like we fit into the male/female binary. You don’t have to decide on a label for yourself today and if you select a designation for yourself, you’re not stuck with it for forever. For me, for now, I’m content to classify myself as gender non-conforming and continue to be open to further self-exploration and experiences.