The

Undeniable

Ruth

®

…and the Ruth shall set you free!

  • The Undeniable Recap of 2016

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    Ruth Carter

    Wow . . . what a fucked up year 2016 has been, especially the last three months. I’m glad I do The Undeniable Recap every year to take a break from the current chaos and see that not everything in the last 366 days is terrifying and depressing. So let’s take a look at some of the highlights from 2016:

    Working the Red Carpet at BlogPaws

    1. BlogPaws with Rosie.  Rosie and I went to our first pet blogger conference this summer. I led a workshop on copyright and FTC rules for bloggers and we had so much fun meeting all the people and their pets. It’s been heartwarming to see Rosie bounce back from last year’s surgery and get her confidence back.

    2. I Shaved my Head.  I decided to go back to my natural hair color, and instead of dealing with growing out my red hair, I just shaved it all off. That was empowering. Not having hair made me want to embody even more how strong women can be. My friends did a photo shoot right after I shaved my head and the images were so powerful.

    Two of the Cool Kids on our Couch!

    3. Cool Kids Couch. During law school, it seemed like one of the Cool Kids (Class of 2011, 2012, and 2013) was always sitting on the couch outside Room 116. When ASU Law announced they were moving downtown, we approached the school about sponsoring a Cool Kids Couch in the new building – and they let us! It’s up on the 6th floor, and apparently the current law students ripped the plaque off our gift to them. Hopefully they won’t do it again to the replacement plaque.

    4. Flagstaff Ropes Course. I needed to get away for a few days last spring, so I booked a long weekend in Flagstaff and went to the Flagstaff Extreme Adventure Course. It was so much fun to climb trees and traverse obstacles. It was exactly what I needed; it got me out of my head for an afternoon. I need to do more stuff like this.

    5. Photo Shoots. I got to do some amazing photo shoots this year. On a chilly February morning, Peter Shankman and I got up before dawn to do sunrise photo shoot near Canyon Lake. Those images were gorgeous! In May, I did a photo shoot out at The Domes near Casa Grande where I my chest and face were painted and I wore a 25-foot diameter parachute skirt. We got some dynamic shots right at sunset and some beautiful photos after the sun went down with fire breathers in the background.

    Photo by Devon C. Adams Photography, used with permission

    Phrase of the Year: “Lawyer Perch.”
    When I speak at a conference and there is a table and chair at the front of the room for speakers, I like to plop myself down and sit cross-legged on top of the table. At WordCamp Phoenix, someone in the audience declared that this is the “lawyer perch.”  That works for me.

    Photo by Devon C. Adams Photography, used with permission

    Firsts in 2016
    Court appearance as 1st chair
    Trail race (and last)
    In-home flood (and second one, unfortunately)
    Chest binder
    Stay at an Airbnb
    Interview on KJZZ (local NPR station)
    Replaced the smoke detector in my condo by myself
    Foods: Coconut creamer, coconut ice cream, vegan mac ‘n’ cheese, vegan “butter,” white chocolate peanut butter
    Sights: The Domes, 9/11 Memorial, Vaynermedia, Flagstaff Extreme Adventure Course, Telepoem Booth
    Events: Women in Travel Summit, BlogPaws, Sober morning rave, Junkyard photoshoot, Star Trek: The Ultimate Voyage

    Celebrity Sightings
    Gloria Steinem
    Mark Hamill

    In Memoriam
    Kevin Layton
    Larry Grucky
    Mike Calcutti (he died in 2015, but I didn’t learn about it ‘til 2016)
    Alan Rickman
    David Bowie
    Prince
    Anton Yelchin
    Gene Wilder
    John Glenn
    Florence Henderson
    Alan Thicke
    George Michael
    Carrie Fisher
    Debbie Reynolds
    The 49 Victims of the Orlando Night Club Shooting

  • Learning to Value Myself

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    Ruth Carter

    My personal theme for 2017 is Invest – investing in myself, my health, my relationships, and my business. Last week, I was challenged to put this into action a few weeks early when Castle Carter flooded.

    Photo by Bob Johnson from the Junkyard Photoshoot 2016 – Love this Picture!

    I suck at valuing myself. (Is anyone else in this boat?) I treat everyone else way better than myself and tell myself I can make due with less. When our air conditioner went out for a few days this summer, I sent Rosie the pirate basset hound to “camp” (the kennel) so she’d be comfortable until it was fix while I stayed home.

    Earlier this month, my condo flooded. I woke up on a Saturday morning to a lake in my home courtesy of my upstairs neighbor’s water heater that exploded. The floors in my living room and office were destroyed from the water, along with some of the dry wall. It took the dry-out team about 7 hours to remove damaged flooring and walls and set me up with 12 fans and 2 de-humidifiers to dry everything else.

    Living with fans and de-humidifiers running full blast 24 hours/day is like living in a wind tunnel. I could barely get any work done with the noise and the heat, and I was sweating buckets every night in my sleep. Friends offered to let Rosie and me stay with them, but I often feel uncomfortable as a guest in someone’s home. And I know my insurance would pay for a hotel, but I didn’t want the hassle of living out of a suitcase, especially with Rosie. A typical dry-out takes 3 days. We could stick it out.

    At day 3, the dry-out tech said my home needed 2 extra days and suggested I get a hotel. I was sleeping for crap, not getting work done, feeling agitated from all the noise and disruption (Did I mention I had to cancel my plans to attend ShankMinds Live in New York that week?), I had plans to do a weekend hackathon of work – and I still balked at getting a hotel. In my head, it still seemed like an extreme reaction.

    I forced myself act as if I was investing in my best interests. From that perspective, I deserved quality rest and an environment where I could get work done. Fighting back the excuses in my head, I found a nearby hotel that accepted dogs of all sizes, had a desk and a refrigerator in the room (Rosie’s meds need to be refrigerated), and a complementary hot breakfast. The voice in my head said it would be such a pain to pack up our lives for two days. I had Rosie and I packed in 20 minutes – including portioning out each of her meals and bringing her comforter and memory foam bed.

    Airlines say put on your oxygen mask first before helping someone else. Those two days in the hotel allowed me the respite I needed from the chaos at home. I slept on a king-size bed in quiet, climate-controlled room, and someone else was in charge of making my breakfast. Between Friday night and Saturday morning, I did about 5 hours of work on the Copyright Law online course I’m teaching for ASU Law next semester. (I’d been procrastinating on that for weeks!)

    Rosie and I are home again. The dry-out is complete, and we’re waiting to hear back from insurance so we can proceed with the reconstruction. So far, this experience is giving me the chance to put myself first. I felt guilty checking in to the hotel, but once I settled into the room, that feeling dissipated. I know when I need a break; I just have to be willing to let myself have it.

  • Baby It’s Cold Out-WTF?!

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    Ruth Carter

    I love Christmas music. I’m that person who will listen to Christmas music in July just because I like it. Who says it has to be the holiday season to enjoy holiday music?

    Lately, it seems like every time I turn on the all-Christmas radio station, they’re playing “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Musically speaking, this is a beautiful duet – I love the back-and-forth and the layering of the voices. But have you actually listened to the lyrics? They exemplify what’s wrong with how boys and girls are socialized – he refuses to accept when she rebuffs his advances and she’s worried about being slut shamed by her family and community. Here’s what goes through my head every time I hear it.
    (M = male; F = female; B = both; my thoughts in italics)

    Winter Wonderland by Kristina_Servant from Flickr (Creative Commons License)
    Winter Wonderland by Kristina_Servant from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    (F) I really can’t stay
    (M) Baby it’s cold outside
    (F) I’ve got to go away
    (M) Baby it’s cold outside
    Dude, she said she was leaving.
    (F) This evening has been
    (M) Been hoping that you’d drop in
    (F) So very nice
    (M) I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice
    Hey! Don’t touch her without consent!

    (F) My mother will start to worry
    (M) Beautiful, what’s your hurry?
    (F) Father will be pacing the floor
    (M) Listen to the fireplace roar
    (F) So really I’d better scurry
    Bah! Be bold woman!
    (M) Beautiful, please don’t hurry
    (F) Maybe just a half a drink more
    Arg! Don’t do that!
    (M) Put some records on while I pour
    You’re a manipulative jerk.

    (F) The neighbors might think
    Who gives a f*ck what they think?
    (M) Baby, it’s bad out there
    And why are you calling her “Baby?”
    That’s so belittling the way you use it. She has a name, you know.
    (F) Say, what’s in this drink?
    Did you give her roofies or something?
    (M) No cabs to be had out there
    Get an Uber.
    (F) I wish I knew how
    (M) Your eyes are like starlight now
    (F) To break this spell
    (M) I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell
    Ugh you’re so creepy.

    Christmas Ornament by Tobyotter from Flickr (Creative Commons License)
    Christmas Ornament by Tobyotter from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    (F) I ought to say no, no, no
    Say it or don’t. It’s ok to enjoy intimacy.
    (M) Mind if I move in closer?
    Thanks for asking…finally.
    (F) At least I’m gonna say that I tried
    Where’s your integrity? Say what you mean, mean what you say.
    (M) What’s the sense in hurting my pride?
    Screw his feelings if he doesn’t respect you boundaries.
    (F) I really can’t stay
    Then leave!
    (M) Baby don’t hold out
    Eww!
    (B) Ah, but it’s cold outside

    (F) I’ve got to get home
    Walk out the door!
    (M) Oh, baby, you’ll freeze out there
    (F) Say, lend me your coat
    (M) It’s up to your knees out there
    (F) You’ve really been grand
    No he hasn’t! He’s being a dick!
    (M) Thrill when you touch my hand
    (F) Why don’t you see
    (M) How can you do this thing to me?
    It’s not all about you!

    (F) There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
    Who cares?
    (M) Think of my lifelong sorrow
    Really? Since when do your feelings trump hers?
    (F) At least there will be plenty implied
    (M) If you caught pneumonia and died
    And died – Really??
    (F) I really can’t stay
    Seriously – You. Door. Go!
    (M) Get over that hold out
    Ew ew eww! Lady – run away from this guy!
    (B) Ah, but it’s cold outside
    (B) Oh, baby, it’s cold outside
    (B) Oh, baby, it’s cold outside

    Whenever I hear this song, I think of a lesson from security expert Gavin de Becker: A person who doesn’t hear “no” is trying to control you. Perhaps it was sweet song when it was written, reflective of the times, but I still think it’s an indication of a misogynistic culture.

    I want to re-write this conversation in a way that works. I can see it going one of two ways:

    (F) I should get going.
    (M) What’s your hurry, Baby?
    (F) I’m tired. I want to go home.
    (M) It’s so cold out there.
    (F) Of course it is. It’s December. I’ll be fine.
    (M) One more drink . . .
    (F) No. Quit being a jerk. I’m leaving.

    (F) I should get going.
    (M) I had fun tonight. You’re welcome to stay.
    (F) Thank you. I’d like that. Let me text my family so they’ll know not to expect me until tomorrow.