The

Undeniable

Ruth

®

…and the Ruth shall set you free!

  • I Was Cyberbullied – Part 2 of 4

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    Ruth Carter

    This is the second of my four-part experience with cyberbullying. You can read Part 1 here. Back to the story . . .

    Alone by Tanya Little

    For weeks, I was anxious every time I went to campus. I was so nervous that it made me sweat profusely. I stopped wearing professional clothes to school out of fear I would ruin them with sweat stains. Instead, I wore jeans and a t-shirt, and kept a fresh shirt in my locker. It was common for me to change my shirt during lunch because my first one was soaked with sweat. I got down to my lowest weight in law school that semester because I was too anxious to eat and I was sweating so much.

    My bully was in one of my classes that semester – trial advocacy – and she sat right next to me. There were only 12 of us in the class and only 12 seats in our seating area. I didn’t want to ask someone to exchange seats because it would have brought up questions about the situation. So every day we had class, I sat there, sweating like crazy, but refusing to let her know how much she bothered me.

    My trial advocacy final was a mock trial. Thankfully my bully wasn’t my co-counsel or the opposing counsel for my mock trial. Our trials were on a Friday night, and we didn’t finish until after 10pm. Her group finished before mine. I was petrified walking to the parking garage that night. I didn’t know if she’d be waiting there for me. I was so relieved when I didn’t see anyone in the garage.

    My goal for the student club that my bully and I were executives for became to get the club through the end of the school year, pass it off the next year’s executives, and be done with my bully and the other executive. The club’s faculty advisor caught wind of what was going on and asked to meet with me. When I told her about the emails, she said my bully was out of line and she would do what she could to help get the club through the end of the year.

    Our advisor called a meeting for all the executives to plan the remaining weeks of the semester. When my bully and the other exec tried to bring up the gala invitations, she immediately cut them off and refocused on the club’s future. I walked out of the meeting with the impression that my bully and the other exec were not going to stop trying to turn the gala invitations into a group decision and that they were going to view everything I did in a negative light. I decided at that point to resign my leadership role. It wasn’t worth my effort to keep putting up with them.

    All the executives in this club were equals when I was in it. We didn’t have designated roles like president and vice president. All club decisions were made by a majority vote. However, I was often the point person on projects and a lot of people sought me out when they had a question about the club. After I resigned, I had nothing to do with the club. When anyone asked me about the club, I referred them to the club’s email address.

    Shortly before I got my bully, I was the point person on an event put on by my and another law student club. The post-event paperwork didn’t get done until after I resigned. An exec from the other club started it and asked for my help, but by then I couldn’t sign off on anything because I wasn’t a leader anymore. I referred her to the club’s remaining execs.

    I could have done the work in less than 3 minutes, but I wanted to take a stand. I wanted my bully and the other exec to know that when they make it impossible to work with them, I’m not going to work with them. By then, I had no obligations to them or the club. I responded to all their emails by politely informing them that it would be inappropriate for a non-executive to fill out executive paperwork. That resulted in my bully sending me the nastiest email to date:

    “Ruth you are a giant cunt and a poor person.”

    Read how I responded to her nastiness in Part 3 of I Was Cyberbullied.

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  • I Was Cyberbullied – Part 1 of 4

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    Ruth Carter

    Cyberbullying sucks. I know because I’ve been through it.

    I’m sharing my story to show that it can happen to anyone, at any age, and that there are things you can do to combat it.

    My story begins in February 2010, the spring semester of my second year of law school at Arizona State University. I had a full load of classes and an internship at a large Phoenix law firm. I was also an executive officer on multiple student clubs at the law school. It was because of the connections I made in a leadership position that lead to me receiving an invitation to attend the HRC gala. The invite was written and sent to me in an email that was to my personal email account, not the club’s email address.

    One of the other execs, another law student, did not receive such an invitation. She became my bully.

    For the following three months, I dreaded seeing the notification that I had new email in my inbox.  Every email from her was filled with anger and disrespect. She called me dishonest, unethical, phony, dumb, seedy, a poor leader, and made discriminatory statements about my sexual orientation.

    From the beginning, I sensed this could be a heated situation and may not end well. I elicited the help of four of my friends:

    • Michael: former assistant dean of the law school who has a wealth of knowledge regarding law students and the ASU system,
    • Jeff: my friend who has experience with handling public criticism,
    • Andrea: was the president of an LGBT student group at Oregon State University when I was a student there, and
    • Julia: my classmate who is a former national speech champion. She is the most articulate person I know, and she’s brilliant at handling difficult people.
    Project 365: Day 57 by Cara Photography

    Every time I got an email from my bully, I forwarded it to these four. After her first email, I never sent a response without giving myself several hours to let my emotional response subside and to formulate the best response based on the goal of getting the harassment to end.

    My bully’s impulsiveness scared me. She reacted to every email with such anger. She responded without taking any time to think through her response. I was pretty sure that she wouldn’t shift from being verbally impulsive to physically impulsive, but I wasn’t completely convinced.

    After one particularly cruel email that I forwarded to my support team, I got a one line email response from Michael: “Ruth, you need to stay away from this person.” Michael has counseled thousands of law students in his career. A warning like that from him carried significant weight for me.

    I reached out to Gavin de Becker and Associates, a firm that assesses threats in personal relationships and the workplace. De Becker is the author of the bestselling book, The Gift of Fear, a book I recommend everyone read to identify and respond to people who threaten your safety. I explained the situation to an associate, and he responded that I likely had cause for concern.

    I was 30 years old, and for the first time in my life, I was afraid to go to school.

    Read more about my experience with cyberbullying and how I fought back in Part 2 of I Was Cyberbullied.

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  • Please Insult Me During the Half Marathon

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    Ruth Carter

    I have long accepted that I am a bit of a masochist. Looking back over my life, there is a pattern of events and activities where I have paid people to hurt me or to give me the opportunity to hurt myself: competitive gymnastics, body piercings, tattoos, deep tissue massages, paintball, law school, and now running.

    Adam Almaraz & I Smiling before the 2010 Half Marathon

    This Sunday, January 15th, I will be running the P.F. Chang’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon for the third year in a row. I have two rules for running the race.

    1. Don’t stop running.
    2. Don’t die.

    My goal this year is to break the 2-hour mark. I finished the race in 2:09 my first year and 2:06 last year. It will be a tall order, but it’s doable. I’ve always appreciated the support of the crowd cheering all of us on. I didn’t understand how beneficial it is to hear people cheering and to see all the signs until I ran the race. It makes a huge difference, especially when you’re tired and your body hurts.

    Most of the signs I see during the race say “Go ________” or “__ Miles to Beer.” The best sign I’ve seen at a race was “Hurry up. We’re Hungry.” I’m happy to see every signs along the route, but I wish there were more signs that insulted me. I want to see signs that say things like

    • “Hahaha…You’re Running,”
    • “You Paid Money for this Torture,” and
    • “I Have Warm Coffee and You Don’t.”

    If you’re in the Phoenix area Sunday morning, please come out and support the runners. The half marathon route goes through Tempe and Scottsdale. Apparently, I’ll be running right by the fabulous Echo Coffee in Scottsdale. If you’re along my route, please make a sign that makes fun of me, especially the fact that paid money to get up early on a Sunday and run the cold.

    And in case you were wondering, yes, I’m altering my release and waiver of liability agreement again this year. I will never let the organizers avoid all liability, especially things like gross negligence. If I trip over my own feet, that’s on me; but if I fall because of something they did, I want to have the option to sue them. This year I’m writing in a statement that says the hard copy agreement supersedes any previous agreements, in case I had to electronically agree to the waiver in order to sign up for the race.

    I’m hoping to have another fun race this year. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m super excited that two of my cousins are running it with me – their first time doing the race. If you are a lawyer, law student, or friend of the legal community and running the race on Sunday, I created an event for us on Facebook so we can connect and network before the race.

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