The

Undeniable

Ruth

®

…and the Ruth shall set you free!

  • Peeing in Public while Non-binary

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    Ruth Carter

    https://www.flickr.com/photos/taedc/42153342040
    Photo by tedeytan from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    So many issues related to people who are not heterosexual or cisgender come down to two issues: what to wear and where to pee. I’m non-binary. I was assigned female at birth (AFAB), but I had my birth certificate corrected last year. Where do I pee?

    I Don’t Want to Die

    My first rule for using the bathroom in public is, “Pick the bathroom where you’re least likely to get killed.” That may seem funny at first, but it’s a serious issue when you look at the incidents of violence against and murders of transgender persons.  

    Gender Neutral Bathrooms “in the Wild”

    When possible, I prefer to use a gender-neutral bathroom. When I don’t know where the bathroom is in a particular location, I’ll ask an employee, “Where’s your gender-neutral bathroom?” to see (1) how they react to the question and (2) whether they actually have one.

    At many places, the gender-neutral bathroom is also the family bathroom or bathroom for persons with disabilities. Even at the public pool, I use the family bathroom instead of a locker room to get changed.

    Sometimes, using the gender-neutral bathroom is the fastest way to use the toilet because cisgender people will automatically wait in line for other bathrooms. Last year, I attended an event at Symphony Hall. During intermission, dozens of people were waiting in line for each bathroom. I asked an usher where the gender-neutral bathroom was, and they directed me to a nearby single-user bathroom with no line.

    Whichever Bathroom has the Shortest Line

    My general rule for situations where there is no gender-neutral bathroom and there’s no safety issue is to use whichever bathroom has the shortest line, which is usually the men’s room. I can pee standing up. Ok it’s with a shewee, but still, I can do it!

    Early on after realizing I was non-binary, I reached out to a few larger venues in the Phoenix to inquire about their bathroom policies to see how accepting they were. Surprisingly, Scottsdale Fashion Square told me that I could use whichever bathroom I felt most comfortable using. The Arizona Diamondbacks said that they have few gender-neutral bathrooms and those were the ones I should use. I’ve walked laps around that stadium. If the nearest gender-neutral bathroom is off in B.F.E. compare to my seat, I’m using the closest bathroom.

    Gendered Bathrooms – But Go Wherever

    There are public bathrooms, like the ones in Target, that are labeled for a single gender – men or women – but that have a policy that allows people to use whichever bathroom they want. The one time I needed to use the bathroom and I was set on using the men’s room, it was closed for cleaning.

    When a company has a policy like this, I wonder why they don’t just say, “These are bathrooms. Use whichever one you want.”

    All-Gender Bathrooms

    I’m a fan of the water closet model for public bathrooms. Each stall has floor-to-ceiling walls and doors so you can’t see anything that’s going on in the stall next to you. You get as much privacy as one can get in a public bathroom.

    Last week I attended the mastermind event, Shankminds Live, in Las Vegas. The venue had one gender-neutral bathroom with five water closet stalls. At first a few people seemed a little weirded out by being in a bathroom with people of another gender, but after a few moments, they realized it was a non-issue. When I asked my fellow Shankminders about the bathroom after the event, several people (men and women) responded that gender neutral bathrooms should be the norm everywhere.

    One thing I will note about the bathroom at Shankminds is there were no urinals. From what I’ve heard from guy friends, some penis-havers like urinals – really like them. They like them so much, they wish they had one in their home.

    I respect that some people would be sad if switching to all gender-neutral bathrooms meant losing the chance to pee at a urinal, but that doesn’t have to be the case. I know of at least one all-gender bathroom at a club called The Mint where there is a urinal area where people can pee standing up where they won’t be seen by the water closet users.

    Remember: You all have gender-neutral bathrooms in your home. Sharing a toilet with another gender hasn’t killed any of us yet. It’s only an issue if you make it one.

  • More Gender-Neutral Bathrooms

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    Ruth Carter

    One of the best ways a company can respond to HB2, North Carolina’s new anti-LGBT law that requires people to use the bathroom that corresponds to sex indicated on their certificates, is to make all their bathrooms gender-neutral.

    Gender Neutral Restroom UC Irvine 49490 by Ted Eytan from Flickr (Creative Commons License)
    Gender Neutral Restroom UC Irvine 49490 by Ted Eytan from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    Yes, just like in Ally McBeal.

    For reasons of decency, no one should be permitted use a urinal in a gender neutral restroom that isn’t in a separate lockable stall. For people who are too uncomfortable to use gender neutral bathrooms that have multiple stalls, a company could put in some single-user restrooms, like some places have a “family restroom,” probably meant for a parent with a small child.

    There are lots of reasons to have gender neutral bathrooms besides the obvious ones of preventing transphobia and acknowledging that gender is a spectrum, not a binary identity. Some people need help in the bathroom – like small children and the elderly. Or if you have an injury or a complicated outfit, you may need help getting to or using the bathroom. If you and your companion are of different genders, that could be awkward without a gender-neutral bathroom.

    Gender-neutral bathroom sign by Bryan Alexander from Flickr (Creative Commons License)
    Gender-neutral bathroom sign by Bryan Alexander from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    Gender-neutral bathrooms could help companies eliminate problems that accompany single-gender bathrooms. When I was in college, I was an RA in the dorms. Our dorms were coed by wing or coed by neighbor. There were a lot fewer issues on floors that were coed by neighbor because the women didn’t want to look foolish in front of the men and vice versa. The same would likely be true in a gender neutral bathroom – less vandalism and fewer annoying behaviors.

    Conversely, until the law in North Carolina changes, if I had reason to be in that State, I would be tempted to walk into a government building wearing a dress and heels and walk into the men’s bathroom. If stopped, I’d say my birth certificate says I was born a boy and then offer to use the women’s bathroom if that would make the person feel more comfortable. (I’m not transgender; it would just be to make a point. I mean to offense to anyone who identifies as trans or cis. I’d want to have a male buddy with me for this stunt for safety reasons.)