The

Undeniable

Ruth

®

…and the Ruth shall set you free!

  • Coming Out Day: Queer and Non-Binary

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    Ruth Carter

    I am queer and non-binary. I used to identify as bisexual, but now I use the umbrella term “queer” since I can be attracted to any gender. Since I’m “non-binary,” meaning I don’t identify as a man or a woman, it would be contradictory to identify as “bisexual” since I don’t believe that gender is a binary concept. Sometimes I use the term “non-gendered,” since I often feel like I don’t have a gender. (Gender is a social construct, completely separate from a person’s biological sex.) I also use “gay,” as a catch-all term for non-heterosexual people, even though others use it to exclusively describe men who have sex with men.

    Rainbow by Benson Kua from Flickr

    Gender and sexual orientation each have their own spectrum, and I’m somewhere in the middle on both.

    I don’t have a box, a stereotype to which I’m expected to conform or even suggested guidelines like those that come with identifying as a “man,” “woman,” “heterosexual,” or “homosexual.” It’s both freeing and frightening to live without such limits.

    In honor of National Coming Out Day, I decided to respond to the common statements and questions my friends have heard in response to coming out:

    What made you gay?
    Nothing made me queer. It’s just what I am. What made you straight?

    How did you know you were queer?
    When I realized my female peers didn’t think about women the same way I do.

    When did you decide to be non-binary?
    Again, this wasn’t a decision. I’ve never felt like being a man or a woman was right for me.

    Photo by Roger Griggs

    How does that work?
    Could you be a bit more specific?

    It’s just a phase.
    Thirty-eight years is a long time for a phase.

    You’re just confused.
    I’m often confused about a lot of things, including how to best present myself, but I have no doubts about who or what I am.

    Have you always been like this?
    Yup.

    Are you sure?
    Yes. Trust me, I wouldn’t have come out if I wasn’t sure.
    The only person who could get away with asking this question was my grandmother, because, well, she was old. Bless her heart.

    How do you know?
    How do you know what gender you are? How do you know what people you find attractive? Some things you just know.

    Photo by Jason Hahn

    I don’t want you to get AIDS.
    Me neither.

    What are your pronouns?
    In general, if you’re using pronouns to refer to me, there’s a good chance I’m not there to hear you. I don’t care what pronouns you use as long as you’re respectful. When speaking to me, I prefer “sir” over “ma’am,” and a gender-neutral title instead of “Mr.” or “Ms.”

    Can’t you just pick one gender to be attracted to?
    Some people are only attracted to people with light or dark-colored hair. Others are potentially attracted to a person with any color of hair. Likewise, some people are only attracted to people with a penis or a vagina. For me, a person’s genitals is not a deal-maker or breaker in deciding whether I find them attractive.

    Bisexuals are greedy and promiscuous.
    Sounds like you’re jealous.

    So, you want to have sex with everyone.
    No. There’s a big difference between being potentially attracted to a person of any gender and wanting to bang everyone.

    Oh, so you had a crush on me in high school, right? (From a female friend)
    Absolutely not.
    BTW – If an LGBTQ person hits on you, take it as a compliment, even if you don’t reciprocate their feelings. It’s not a big deal if everyone’s respectful.

    How do you have sex when there is no penis involved?
    There are lots of ways to be intimate when a penis is not a key player. Do we need to take you back to Sex 101?

    Photo by Leslie Easton Photography

    So, does that mean you [sex act]?
    Woah there, Pooh Bear. Unless I’m sleeping with you, the details of my sex life are none of your business.

    Are you the man or the woman in relationships?
    That’s like asking which chopstick is the fork.

    Does your family know?
    Yup. And if they didn’t, they haven’t been paying attention.

    Is it because your dad didn’t show you affection?
    What?? No.

    This is probably because your mom was too overbearing.
    <sigh> No.

    Do you know my friend, Chris? They’re gay.
    The LGBTQ community may be less than 10% of the population, but that’s still a lot of people. We don’t all know each other.
    But how cool would that be?

    That makes sense.
    A lot of things clicked when I realized what I am.

    Life is going to be a lot more difficult now.
    Probably. But I’d rather be authentic than pretend to be someone I’m not.

    Have you ever been fired for being gay?
    Thankfully no, but in Arizona, I could be.

    I love you anyway.
    That’s one word too long.

    Do you really have to tell everyone? Shouldn’t you keep that private?
    Why would I? That would be like telling a man to tone down his masculinity, or telling a straight couple to stop holding hands. My sexual orientation and gender have little impact on most people’s lives.

    So, there you go. If you’re still curious about my sexual orientation or gender, including my coming out stories, check out my episode of The Out House podcast.

  • Being Non-Binary in a Binary World

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    Ruth Carter

    One of the most challenging things about being non-binary is when I’m reminded that I live in a society that was not created for people like me.

    Photo by Roger Griggs

    Non-Binary Travel
    There are everyday occurrences where there isn’t a gender neutral option. I cringe every time I hear someone call me “ma’am.” (Growing up on Star Trek, I’ve always preferred “sir.”) When I check into a hotel, the front desk clerk only has Mr. or Ms. to choose from in deciding how to address me. (If you don’t know me well, you don’t know that I have a doctorate degree.)

    And let me tell you how much fun it is dealing with the TSA. I almost always set off the spinny-go-round scanner, usually on places where there’s no metal on my clothes. When I tell the female-identified TSA agent that I’m not a woman or a man, the supervisor has to get involved before I’m patted down and sent on my way.

    Recently, one TSA supervisor asked which gender I was presenting as, and I honestly answered, “Neither.” (She was nice and politely asked me some questions as I put my sneakers back on about how to address someone who is non-binary. She said she’d never met a non-binary person before.) At another airport, a supervisor tried to tell me that I had to pick a gender, man or woman, for the purposes of the pat down, and I refused. At that same airport, the supervisor asked who I wanted to pat me down, and I said I wanted a non-binary person, or a gay person. They had neither, so I said, “Whomever is most comfortable doing it.”

    Yes, I could avoid issues with the TSA by letting them think I’m female, but they need to remember that not everyone fits into their binary system. And I can handle the interaction, even though it’s stressful and exhausting.

    I call this my ” gay mafia” picture.
    Photo by Roger Griggs

    Shopping for a Suit
    I shrunk out of my suit years ago, but since I rarely have to wear it, I haven’t replaced it yet. Lately, I’ve wanted to replace it with a gray three-piece men’s suit – with real pockets in the pants and blazer. It’s hard to find a women’s suit that fits me with my muscular shoulders, long torso, and abnormally short limbs. (When I get petite length pants, I still need to get them shortened about 2 inches, when I’m wearing heels – and I’m 5’4”.) And besides that, I’m tired of blazers and pants that don’t have any functional pockets.

    A major department store was having a sale, and their website showed that they had what I wanted. The clerk didn’t bat an eye that I wanted a men’s suit, but he apologetically said that he didn’t have anything that would fit me. He slipped a size 36S blazer on me, and he was right – the shoulders were too big. (With men’s suits, you fit the shoulders and tailor everything else.) They didn’t even have dress shirts I could wear. I have a 14-inch neck, but only need a 30-inch sleeve. The shortest length they carried was 32.

    The clerk suggested I visit the boys’ department. He said I would probably wear a size 18 or 20, and he warned me that my shirt color options would be limited to blue, black, and white, and if I wanted a suit with a vest, I’d probably have to wait until Easter. The shirts and blazers in the boys’ department mostly fit, but they still didn’t feel right.

    Thankfully, I have a friend who gets all his suits and dress shirts custom made by a tailor in Vegas. He said he’d give me their name. I hope he wasn’t lying when he said they weren’t that much more expensive than buying off the rack.

  • Mulling Over my Gender Identity

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    Ruth Carter

    It’s been about three months since I came out about questioning my gender. For now, I’m most comfortable identifying as non-gendered. I don’t feel like I fit with the concept of being a woman or a man. This is quite freeing, and a source of insecurity. It’s also exhausting.

    Self Portrait at Dawn by Jörg Reuter from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    I’ve been paying more attention to my physical body – how I wish it looked, and how these thoughts fit into my gender identity. For the most part, I’m not a fan of my feminine curves. I’d rather see myself with muscle definition – especially vertical lines on my abs and striations on my shoulders – but still maintain a thigh gap. I’ve never been a fan of my own boobs. They serve no purpose and I wish they would shrink. I’d rather have muscular pecs than tits.

    I wish I could pass as male or female and/or be so androgynous that strangers aren’t sure how to interact with me because of my unknown gender. It would give me a “blank slate” to play with. As it is, my dress varies widely day-to-day. In one week I wore a feminine top with a bound chest, a shirt and tie, and a dress and heels. I was also giddy when my new Starfleet uniform arrived – the red mini dress from the Star Trek: Into Darkness.

    Despite my desire to have an androgynous shape, I think my hips will disclose my biological sex. Even before puberty, my hip bones stuck out, and now, I have curves that I fear can’t be slimmed through diet and exercise. And while I know I have a “good butt,” I prefer to keep it smaller, firmer, and lifted. Being curvaceous does nothing for me.

    Note: these are my thoughts about myself. I feel no animosity towards the female shape on other people and U.S. standards for beauty.

    Image from Last Year’s Junkyard Photoshoot by Devon Christopher Adams (Used with Permission)

    It became obvious that I want to be more androgynous when I was invited to the annual Junkyard Photoshoot. I went last year and had a blast. And I enjoy being a model – getting to show different emotions and aspects of my personality. When I model, I always want to feel my inner strength.

    But this year, I declined the invitation. This is an open photoshoot where models and photographers get to show up, have fun reign of the junkyard to do almost anything we want. Most of the models are women, and many of them use the setting to pose in lingerie or less – very over-the-top sexy. (And a lot of female models do this type of modeling. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just not for me.) I’d rather be in jeans and a tank top, feeling more like Wolverine than a centerfold.

    I decided not to go for two reasons:

    1. I didn’t feel comfortable in my skin. Questioning my gender and other events exacerbated my depression, so I didn’t feel strong and confident. It wasn’t a good space to be in for going into an artistic setting where there would be lots of people I’d never met before.
    2. I was afraid of feeling rejected by photographers who wouldn’t want to work with me. (I know, they can go fornicate with themselves, but easier said than done when I’m feeling vulnerable.)

    I’m still mulling over lots of different thoughts about gender identity and how I interact with a mostly two-gendered society. The more I learn about myself, the more I realize that many social norms don’t apply to me.