The

Undeniable

Ruth

®

…and the Ruth shall set you free!

  • When Your Adult Child is Trans

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    Ruth Carter

    Last year, two of my cis-hetero friends told me that their college-age child recently came out trans. I immediately shifted into protective Oggy Ruth* mode and wanted to protect all of them and make sure they had the resources they might need.  

    Photo by Ted Eytan (Creative Commons)

    Free Mom Hugs

    Free Mom Hugs was started by Sara Cunningham who is the mom of a gay son. Her advocacy started by offering to stand in as anyone mom if their biological mother refused to come to their child’s same-sex wedding.

    Now there are Free Mom Hugs chapters throughout the U.S. Their members often attend pride events wearing “Free Mom Hugs” and “Free Dad Hugs” t-shirts, giving hugs to whoever wants them. It appears to be a great organization for parents who want to be involved and show support for the LGBTQ community.

    Photo by Hayley Tschetter (Creative Commons)

    Trans Education from Jammidodger

    Jamie Raines is a bisexual trans man in the UK. He also has a Ph.D. in psychology and dissertation on something related to transgender people.

    Jamie has a YouTube channel, Jammidodger, where he talks about and responds to a wide range of topics related to LGBTQ issues. He’s also been quite open his experiences taking testosterone as well as having top and bottom surgeries. Jamie also does videos where he responds to transphobic statements made by well-known people.

    One thing I appreciate about his channel is when he responds to transphobic statements, he cites studies that support what he’s saying, so he’s not just telling his opinion, but providing evidence.

    Where to Buy Clothes

    One issue I had to deal with when embracing my non-binary gender is figuring out what size I wear in men’s clothing. I also wanted to try different looks, and I didn’t want to buy a bunch of stuff online, knowing I’d have to send most of it back because most menswear doesn’t fit an estrogen-generated body.

    The place I first felt welcome to try on whatever I wanted was Buffalo Exchange. The staff is open to all types of people, and they don’t care what you want to try on. The only downside of Buffalo Exchange is they have dressing rooms labeled for men and women. I’ve also had good experiences trying on men’s pants at Lululemon and Eddie Bauer.

    If you’re lucky, you live in or near a city that has a clothing store that specifically caters to trans people, like Margie’s Closet in Cleveland, Ohio. 

    Where to Get a Haircut

    Not everyone feels comfortable getting their hair cut if they want a style that doesn’t conform to the gender they were assigned at birth. Thankfully, there’s the website Strands for Trans. It helps people find trans-friendly salons and barber shops.

    Photo by Ted Eytan (Creative Commons)

    How to Legally Change Your Name and Gender

    I’ve worked with several parents who needed guidance while helping their adult trans child legally change their name and gender. The process is not rocket science, but it can seem overwhelming at times with the various forms. It’s also easy to get confused about the order in which you have to update everything.

    Legally changing your name requires a court hearing. Check the county court where the child lives for information and the forms needed to change their name.

    Thankfully it’s much easier to change your gender on your passport. It’s just a matter of applying for a new passport and select their correct gender – no additional proof needed. If they’re a trans man or trans woman, they can just as easily update their social security record.

    Once they have their new passport, they can likely get their corrected driver’s license. If they want to correct their birth certificate too, contact the Office of Vital Records where they were born and them what documents they’ll need.

    Where to Ask for Help

    While there are plenty of resources for trans people and their families, they can also look to Reddit for help from strangers on the internet. There are subreddits for trans people, trans men, trans women, nonbinary people, and LGBTQ people. There’s even a subreddit to ask transgender people questions.

    If your trans kiddo has a question about sex or relationships, they may want to check out advice columnist Dan Savage and the Savage Love podcast. If he hasn’t addressed your kid’s concern to date, they can call or email him with their question.

    Dan and his partner also started the It Gets Better Project, which is an incredible place where LGBTQ people share their stories and messages of hope. Speaking of it gets better, if your kid is ever having a “baby trans” moment where they feel small, scared, or discriminated against, here’s a song that might help: It Gets Better by Rebecca Drysdale.

    How to Protect Yourself

    I would be doing a disservice if I didn’t mention this, and I’m really sorry this is how it currently is in the U.S., but violence against trans people is disturbingly high, especially trans women of color. There have also been mass shootings at gay night clubs, including at Pulse in Orlando in 2016 and Club Q in Colorado Springs in 2022.

    Your kid may want to take some preventative measures like taking a self-defense class or carrying something for self-defense like pepper spray or the Go Guarded ring. I own the Go Guarded ring, and I’ve considered getting a bulletproof undershirt, but that thing costs hundreds of dollars.

    Photo by Quinn Dombrowski (Creative Commons)

    * There is no gender-neutral term for aunt/uncle, so I created my own title: oggy. It rhymes with “doggy” and “foggy.”

  • Undeniable Recap of 2020

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    Ruth Carter

    Oh my goodness – I’ve been living in a pandemic-based society for over eight months. All of my in-person conferences were converted to virtual ones this year, and my Ironman race was deferred until 2021. For the bulk of the year, I worked and trained. I only left the Phoenix metro area once since we all started needing masks to leave the house.

    Even with the monotony, there were still some important events that happened this year:

    Helping Rosie Over the Rainbow Bridge

    I’d had a suspicion for months that Rosie wasn’t going to make it to end of 2020, and as her arthritis and doggy dementia added more and more challenges to her life, I helped her over the Rainbow Bridge on August 7, 2020. My eyes still well with tears when I think about losing her, but I know I made the right decision and gave her a good death.

    Photo by Lauren Ellis Photography

    Officiating Sarah and Thomas’ Wedding

    My friends and neighbors, Sarah and Thomas, got engaged last year. I thought they were going to ask me to watch their dog while they were getting married, but to my surprise, they asked me to be their officiant. I had a blast spending time with each of them individually, asking about how they met, their relationship, and their hopes for the future. From their stories, I found themes, looked up quotes about marriage, and wove them into a short ceremony that was customized to them.

    I also felt like a bit of a MacGyver that day because at the beginning of the ceremony, I had the bride and groom’s rings on my fingers (because they didn’t have a wedding party), and the bride’s handkerchief tucked into the back of my belt to hand over when she started crying since neither of us had pockets.

    Singing at Aimee’s Farm Animal Sanctuary

    I love spending time at Aimee’s Farm Animal Sanctuary. In the winter, I was out there to help with Gracie the baby lamb with the crooked neck. At one point, I was snuggling her on my lap, and I started to sing. Aimee was awestruck and said I have the voice of an angel. Since then, she invites me out to sing whenever an animal needs extra love and attention – like Peanut the pony when he was new to the farm and scared, Duke the cow who was born without elbows, and Wooliam the sheep after he had surgery (neutered). I love when I start to sing to one animal and other animals wander over to listen too. Aimee even had me out on the Fourth of July to help keep the animals calm while the fireworks were going off.

    Photo by Aimee Takaha

    Releasing the Lights Camera Lawsuit Online Course

    It’s been about three years in the making, but I finally finished and released my first online course, Lights Camera Lawsuit: The Legal Side of Professional Photography. I wanted to create a course that gave the photographers the information about copyright and contracts at an affordable price, so could avoid making the painful and avoidable mistakes that I see photographers making all the time.

    This course has been a journey, and probably the start of more courses to come. I had to form a separate business, create the website, hire people to create the logos and slide templates, create the lesson outlines, record and upload each lesson, and promote the course. It felt so good to bring this to market. 

    Every Time Miss K Says “Oggy Ruth”

    I have a nibling who lives across the country. She’s two and has brilliant blue Disney eyes. She’s so expressive. Now, I’m not a fan of children as a species, but I adore this little creature. If her parents don’t post pictures of her often enough, I’ll send them a text that says, “Send proof of child.” Since there isn’t a gender-neutral term for aunt/uncle, I picked “oggy” as my title (rhymes with “doggy”), and everyone in this kid’s life is completely on board with it. My heart melts every time I hear her say, “Oggy Ruth.”  

    There were a few things that didn’t make my top five for 2020 – including going to my friend Cora’s wedding and participating in multiple Love and Compliments rallies. The thing that made these and the other top events from the year so important was that I got to spend time with my friends, even when we had to stay at least six feet apart at all times. Being away from loved ones has been one of, if not the biggest challenge of the COVID pandemic.

    Photo by Liesl Pimentel

    I didn’t have many firsts or any celebrity sightings in 2020, so they’re not in this Undeniable Recap. Hopefully, they’ll be back next year.

    In Memoriam

    Humans: Mary Griffith, Maggie Griffin, Katherine Johnson, Grant Imahara, Justin Lutch, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sean Connery, Alex Trebek

    Other Creatures: Ziggy Moriarty the Boston Terrier, Moonflower Takaha the Cow, George the Corgi