The

Undeniable

Ruth

®

…and the Ruth shall set you free!

  • Nobody Knows I Have an Eating Disorder

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    Ruth Carter

    Warning: This post may be triggering to some people. Please seek help and support if you need it.

    Photo by SLR Jester from Flickr (Creative Commons License)
    Photo by SLR Jester from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    From the outside, many people would say I’m young, successful, adventurous, and happy. I’m a daring entrepreneur and an outspoken writer. They have no idea that I struggle with an eating disorder.

    As a size 4, I’m small but not emaciated. I don’t have the stereotypical eating disorder “look.” Most people don’t know that you don’t have to be severely underweight to have a serious illness that attacks your mind as much as your body.

    They don’t understand how hard it is for me to eat. Most of my meals and snacks are carefully planned to keep my calorie count low. They don’t know how often I make a mental list of everything I’ve eaten that day to make sure I haven’t had too much. If I could give up food completely and just wear a calorie patch every day, I would.

    They don’t know how I critically examine myself in the mirror, yearning to see more of the bones of my rib cage, shoulder blades, and collarbones. I don’t want to be horribly underweight, just “a little bit thinner.” They don’t know how important it is for me to be able to touch my fingers around my wrists. That tells me I’m still small enough. They don’t know how guilty and disgusting I feel when I’m having a “fat day.”

    They don’t know how soothing it feels to devour a carton of ice cream or a big slice of cake, only to have that feeling overtaken by tremendous anxiety and shame – so much that I stick my fingers down my throat until I throw up again and again. There is no moderation in my world.

    Burdened by Shame by John Hain from Flickr (Creative Commons License)
    Burdened by Shame by John Hain from Flickr (Creative Commons License)

    I once described my disorder as having a Get Out Of Jail Free card. I can eat whatever I want without worrying about getting fat. (Never mind the toll it could be taking on my internal organs.) It’s like being able to drink and being able to make yourself instantly sober again.

    Every day is a struggle for me. My mind is filled with anxiety when it comes to deciding what to eat, when to eat, and when to stop. I constantly deal with the fear that if I start eating I won’t be able to stop, and if I over indulge myself that I’m going to get really fat. And in my mind being fat means I’m undisciplined and possibly out of control, which is ironic because having an eating disorder means I’m out of control when it comes to managing my emotions. So I use food to manage, medicate, and escape my feelings instead.

    Having an eating disorder is painful – both physically and emotionally. It is truly an illness; it’s not a diet; it’s not something I do to get attention. On the contrary, it keeps me depressed and isolated from the people I love because my shattered self-esteem tells me no one cares. And intellectually I know that’s not true. But this disease doesn’t care about intellect. I can’t think my way out of it.

    Having an eating disorder is a bitch.
    And most people have no clue that I have one.

  • Coming Home

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    Ruth Carter

    Dad 2.0 SummitI spent the last few days at the Dad 2.0 Summit – a conference for dads who blog. I didn’t know what to expect, especially given that I am a woman and a non-parent. I wasn’t sure if it would be a locker room grunt-and-scratch environment where any naturally occurring source of estrogen would be deemed an outsider – but that couldn’t be further from the truth. These were the kindest and most open and welcoming group of guys I had ever met. There were no pecking orders or ego issues. All the attendees were interested in being good parents, having work-life balance, and using their sites as platforms to share their experiences. They embody what it means to be a real man, not the stoic muscle man or the blundering idiot father that are too often portrayed in the media.

    As I boarded my flight home, my mind was bubbling with new ideas about gender norms, parenting, and a how companies should treat their work force when it comes to parenthood. I thought about my new guy friends as I walked through the airport after my flight landed. There was a priest on my flight traveling in his black “uniform” and white collar. A pair of similarly dressed men greeted him with open arms after we crossed the threshold at Security. They embraced as I rode the escalator that would take me down to the shuttle and eventually my car. No one was there for me.

    My Rosie watching "Dog TV"
    My Rosie watching “Dog TV”

    I enjoyed the quiet ride home in the early desert evening. It was a reprieve from the cacophony of sounds of the conference and traveling. I thought about my new guy friends as I walked through my door into my dark condo. I envision them being met with warm embraces from spouses and shrieks of “Daddy!” and leaping hugs from their kids or for the guys with little little ones, the sound of “Da da” and chubby arms reaching up to them from cribs. My home was silent, dark, and until I was in it, empty. I can pick up my “baby girl” from the kennel first thing in the morning.

    I don’t think I’ve met a group of more content and self-confident guys than the ones I met at Dad 2.0. They know what’s important to them and they don’t need your validation. I aspire to have what they have. Does this mean I suddenly want kids? No. I aspire to figure out what matters most to me into simply do it – not because it makes me rich, wins me awards, or makes me famous in certain circles. It’s just what I’m meant to do. And hopefully I’ll have someone wonderful to share it with.

    The Dad 2.0 Summit has an amazing community and I feel lucky to be part of it. I hope to see you all again at the 2016 event.

  • Night Sweats Experiment

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    Ruth Carter

    Since my doctor suggested that my dizziness, fatigue, and night sweats are not due to a cardiovascular problem, I decided to do some research on the other causes of night sweats. I read an article that said that most night sweats are simply caused because the person is too warm at night. I wondered if I fell into this category before reading this article, and I tested it by pulling down the blankets before going to bed at night. I still woke up in the middle of the night with the soaking wet shirt. However, I decided to test this possibility further.

    This is how my bed looks when I go to sleep - 2 fresh shirts ready to be switched out for sweaty ones
    This is how my bed looks when I go to sleep – 2 fresh shirts ready to be switched out for sweaty ones

    I have two sets of sheets. My summer sheets are simple cotton sheets. My winter sheets are also 100% cotton, but they are T-shirt sheets so they are thicker, softer, and warmer. I usually switch the sheets on my bed when the rest of the world changes their clocks to “spring forward” for daylight savings time or “fall back” to standard time. In the winter I usually have two blankets on my bed as well. One is a fuzzy soft blanket and the other is a heavier blanket that is crocheted using acrylic yarn. I like the weight of the heavy blanket on my body and the softness of the fuzzy blanket against my skin.

    This is been a particularly warm winter in Phoenix. The high temperature during the day is often 10° above normal – in the mid- to high 70’s or low 80’s. The low at night is only in the 50’s, and my home is really well insulated. It made me wonder if sleeping with T-shirt sheets and two blankets were contributing, if not causing, my night sweats.

    So this past weekend I switched out my T-shirt sheets for my summer sheets. I took the fuzzy blanket off my bed completely and I folded the heavy blanket down so that it’s only on the foot of my bed. I read somewhere that you get the best sleep when your head is cold and your feet are warm.

    I wore this shirt with the cooler set up. It was still this wet 5 hours after I took it off.
    I wore this shirt with the cooler set up. It was still this wet 5 hours after I took it off.

    When I put myself to bed the first night in my colder arrangement, I was absolutely exhausted. I thought I would have no problem falling asleep – but I was wrong. Despite being in a condo that was around 70° inside, I felt really cold. I was uncomfortably cold, so much that it made it hard to get comfortable and fall asleep. I told myself this might have to be the payoff could not have night sweats.

    I was wrong about that too.

    A few hours later I woke up with a soaking wet shirt. I’m pretty convinced that my night sweats are not due to being too warm at night. But at least I have evidence of this to take to my doctor when I see him later this week.