The

Undeniable

Ruth

®

…and the Ruth shall set you free!

  • Everyday Non-binary Challenges

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    Ruth Carter

    Earlier this week, I was featured in an article where agender and non-binary people (not male or female) debunked myths about our identities. I got to share some the everyday challenges I face as a non-binary person in a binary-centric society. I want to use this week’s post to expand on some of these experiences.

    TSA

    Almost every time I go to the airport, I set off the body scanner and need to be pat down, even if I’m am in cotton from head to toe. The TSA’s policy is to have an officer of the same gender pat down the passenger. Usually after I step through the scanner, the female-looking officer reaches for me and I say, “I’m not a woman.” Then the male-looking officer reaches of me and I say, “I’m not a man.”

    That’s usually when they look at each other with puzzled faces, telepathically trying to decide what to do next. Sometimes they call a supervisor. Sometimes they ask, “Who would you like to pat you down?” One TSA officer said, “You have to pick one,” and I retorted, “No, I don’t.”

    For most flights, I wear my binder to get through security and then head to the gender-neutral bathroom to take it off before my flight. It’s not the most comfortable thing to wear for hours on a plane, and I tend to start overheating when I wear it for more than four hours.

    Speaking of airports, why do we have to specify male or female when we buy a plane ticket? I called my airline and asked what a customer should do if they have a non-binary driver’s license. The representative said the TSA checks if your name and birthdate match your ticket. They don’t check your gender. I’m tempted to mark “male” the next time I buy a ticket and see what happens. I only know of one situation where a male was named “Ruth” and it’s a dragon, so it will probably be easy enough to tell TSA I picked the wrong gender if they notice the disparity between my ticket and my driver’s license.

    “Ma’am”

    I was raised with Star Trek, so I’ve always preferred “sir” over “ma’am.” In the last two years, I’ve become more aware that there is not a gender-neutral option for these terms. (I’ve given some thought to what that term should be but that’s a topic for a different post.)

    I tend to get the most annoyed when I’m on the phone with customer service. They’re trying to be respectful by calling me “ma’am,” and it makes my skin crawl every time I hear it. My desire to get my needs me and finish the call as fast as possible is usually stronger than my desire to tell the representative that I’m non-binary. It’s not as if the company would know my gender the next time I call anyway, so I don’t bother correcting them. I just cringe and finish the call as quickly as I can.

    In group settings, I’ve tried to train myself not to react when I hear someone say, “ma’am,” much like how someone who’s legally changed their name learns to tune out and not respond when someone uses their dead name. My perspective is, if they’re using “ma’am” they can’t mean me. Doing this has nearly had adverse consequences once, involving light rail security. (But that’s a different story.)

    No Option for “Mx.”

    The gender-neutral alternative to Mr. or Miss/Ms./Mrs. is Mx. (pronounced like “mix”). It’s in my email signature so people know what to use, but I’ve never seen “Mx.” on a form. I suspect a lot of people don’t know about it.

    For the State Bar, I tried to change my first name in their listing from “Ruth” to “Mx. Ruth,” so when someone looked me up, it would say “Mx. Ruth Carter.” I got a call within minutes of making that change on my State Bar profile from a representative who understood what I was trying to do, but who said I couldn’t change my name on their website like that.

    I get the same frustration when I have to fill out a form that asks for gender and they only have “male” and “female” options. I’d love to see “non-binary” as an option, but I’m satisfied with a option for “other.”  

    I face challenges with being non-binary every day. Some are more draining than others. If I’m having a particularly rough day, I find this video validating: h

    Frequently, I send it to people who don’t “get it” when someone says they’re non-binary. I appreciate that they say it’s ok to be confused.

    If you have any questions about my experiences as a non-binary person, I’m happy to answer them, as long as you ask respectfully.

  • Coming Out Day: Queer and Non-Binary

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    Ruth Carter

    I am queer and non-binary. I used to identify as bisexual, but now I use the umbrella term “queer” since I can be attracted to any gender. Since I’m “non-binary,” meaning I don’t identify as a man or a woman, it would be contradictory to identify as “bisexual” since I don’t believe that gender is a binary concept. Sometimes I use the term “non-gendered,” since I often feel like I don’t have a gender. (Gender is a social construct, completely separate from a person’s biological sex.) I also use “gay,” as a catch-all term for non-heterosexual people, even though others use it to exclusively describe men who have sex with men.

    Rainbow by Benson Kua from Flickr

    Gender and sexual orientation each have their own spectrum, and I’m somewhere in the middle on both.

    I don’t have a box, a stereotype to which I’m expected to conform or even suggested guidelines like those that come with identifying as a “man,” “woman,” “heterosexual,” or “homosexual.” It’s both freeing and frightening to live without such limits.

    In honor of National Coming Out Day, I decided to respond to the common statements and questions my friends have heard in response to coming out:

    What made you gay?
    Nothing made me queer. It’s just what I am. What made you straight?

    How did you know you were queer?
    When I realized my female peers didn’t think about women the same way I do.

    When did you decide to be non-binary?
    Again, this wasn’t a decision. I’ve never felt like being a man or a woman was right for me.

    Photo by Roger Griggs

    How does that work?
    Could you be a bit more specific?

    It’s just a phase.
    Thirty-eight years is a long time for a phase.

    You’re just confused.
    I’m often confused about a lot of things, including how to best present myself, but I have no doubts about who or what I am.

    Have you always been like this?
    Yup.

    Are you sure?
    Yes. Trust me, I wouldn’t have come out if I wasn’t sure.
    The only person who could get away with asking this question was my grandmother, because, well, she was old. Bless her heart.

    How do you know?
    How do you know what gender you are? How do you know what people you find attractive? Some things you just know.

    Photo by Jason Hahn

    I don’t want you to get AIDS.
    Me neither.

    What are your pronouns?
    In general, if you’re using pronouns to refer to me, there’s a good chance I’m not there to hear you. I don’t care what pronouns you use as long as you’re respectful. When speaking to me, I prefer “sir” over “ma’am,” and a gender-neutral title instead of “Mr.” or “Ms.”

    Can’t you just pick one gender to be attracted to?
    Some people are only attracted to people with light or dark-colored hair. Others are potentially attracted to a person with any color of hair. Likewise, some people are only attracted to people with a penis or a vagina. For me, a person’s genitals is not a deal-maker or breaker in deciding whether I find them attractive.

    Bisexuals are greedy and promiscuous.
    Sounds like you’re jealous.

    So, you want to have sex with everyone.
    No. There’s a big difference between being potentially attracted to a person of any gender and wanting to bang everyone.

    Oh, so you had a crush on me in high school, right? (From a female friend)
    Absolutely not.
    BTW – If an LGBTQ person hits on you, take it as a compliment, even if you don’t reciprocate their feelings. It’s not a big deal if everyone’s respectful.

    How do you have sex when there is no penis involved?
    There are lots of ways to be intimate when a penis is not a key player. Do we need to take you back to Sex 101?

    Photo by Leslie Easton Photography

    So, does that mean you [sex act]?
    Woah there, Pooh Bear. Unless I’m sleeping with you, the details of my sex life are none of your business.

    Are you the man or the woman in relationships?
    That’s like asking which chopstick is the fork.

    Does your family know?
    Yup. And if they didn’t, they haven’t been paying attention.

    Is it because your dad didn’t show you affection?
    What?? No.

    This is probably because your mom was too overbearing.
    <sigh> No.

    Do you know my friend, Chris? They’re gay.
    The LGBTQ community may be less than 10% of the population, but that’s still a lot of people. We don’t all know each other.
    But how cool would that be?

    That makes sense.
    A lot of things clicked when I realized what I am.

    Life is going to be a lot more difficult now.
    Probably. But I’d rather be authentic than pretend to be someone I’m not.

    Have you ever been fired for being gay?
    Thankfully no, but in Arizona, I could be.

    I love you anyway.
    That’s one word too long.

    Do you really have to tell everyone? Shouldn’t you keep that private?
    Why would I? That would be like telling a man to tone down his masculinity, or telling a straight couple to stop holding hands. My sexual orientation and gender have little impact on most people’s lives.

    So, there you go. If you’re still curious about my sexual orientation or gender, including my coming out stories, check out my episode of The Out House podcast.